When Bruce Lee Died, I Didn't Know What to Say

When someone is in pain, people want to reach out and say something comforting. Unfortunately, most people fumble for the right words, or ignore the situation. Some people dispense cliches like, "it was meant to be” or “everything happens for a reason”.
When I was a kid, I played soccer with Brandon Lee, Bruce Lee's son. Before a game, my Dad whispered to me that Brandon’s Dad had died. At half time Brandon sat alone in his black goalie shirt eating oranges.  Not knowing what to say, I kept eating my oranges.
Through our words and actions, adults need to teach children how to acknowledge suffering. Here are a few things that I have learned over the years.
1. Reach out. Break the silence.
2. If you are stuck, you can say, “I’m at a loss for words.” However, don’t turn this into a formula.
3. Be aware of your own feelings. The pain that you see in others can trigger your own trauma. Nurture yourself.
4. If you are feeling sad or overwhelmed, you can say so, but don’t put them in the role of making you feel better.
5. You can share your experience of loss, but don’t minimize their current situation or use it to teach a particular way of grieving. Don’t say, “I know exactly what you are going through” or “Things will get better.”
6. Don't say, "Let me know if you need anything!" Be concrete. Say, “I'm going to drop off dinner on Tuesday" or “I’ll drive carpool this week” Then, do it.
7. Don't pester them with trivial questions and make them tell the story again. If they want to share what’s going on, listen with an open heart.
8. Don’t try to make them feel better. Allow them to grieve on their own timetable.
9. Say “I’m here for you” and then show up in their life.
10. Most of all, don’t follow a playbook. Show your humanity. Lead with love and presence.